NEWS FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DORSEYCARD SANCTIONED BY U.N.
New Yuck, NY - The Insecurity Council of the United Notions today passed a binding New Years Resolution establishing severe sanctions against DorseyCard and its current leader, Don Dorsey. The resolution (#200-3) states, among other serious charges, that “Dorsey has used weapons of mass entertainment against his own people and is capable of inflicting amusement which could potentially reach all nations of the world.” The Council action follows months of speculation and heated debate by various factions inside the global entertainment community about the meaning of the word “is.”Early in 2002, rumors began to surface that DorseyCard might be preparing a major assault for the end-of-year holiday season. Late in August, investigative reporter Matt Smudge obtained a copy of secretly taped phone conversation between Dorsey and an unidentified writer. Apparently expressing concern about the continued effectiveness of DorseyCard, Dorsey reportedly says “After 25 years of overwhelming success, I’m afraid the 26th might just bomb.” This is followed by a mysterious eight-hour silence during which only some light snoring can be heard.
When later questioned about his remark, Dorsey would only admit that “I have, in the past, worked to unite nations and individuals through the responsible use of chemical entertainment,” but denied stockpiling any nuclear or biological show business concepts. “I do have many legitimate and powerful concepts currently in development but they are intended strictly for humanitarian purposes,” he insisted. Many in the industry believe that Dorsey already has the materials and technology to assemble a massively entertaining project within the next 12 to 24 months unless action is taken now to stop him.
Satellite photos taken in October and November show Dorsey visiting multiple entertainment sites in Japan, New Zealand and Australia, adding to further concern and speculation. Leading producers have begun to call for a regime change at DorseyCard to which Dorsey replies, “I can give you change for a twenty, but that’s about it.”
The Resolution calls for a team of production inspectors to be assembled before the new year begins. The inspectors will travel to Anaheim to investigate Dorsey’s capabilities. Chief inspector Hans Blitzen has said that if Dorsey does not provide a full and accurate accounting of his entertainment programs and capabilities, “he will have to face the music.” Dorsey replied, “Music doesn’t scare me. The real terror would be if the ideas and plans for massive entertainment fell into the wrong Hans.”
“It is widely known that Dorsey has been building his entertainment-related arsenal of skills for over thirty years,” according to Prescient Butch (Flannery). “He has shown his ability to blow away the competition if left unchecked. We know he has unique creative problem-solving techniques and has shown that he is not afraid to use them.” Butch then went on to add, “Unfortunately, we have also seen that the Council is incapable of enforcing past New Years Resolutions.”
Late today, a spokesman for DorseyCard hinted at a possible compromise. “It would not be in the best interest of our organization to release full details of our plans, scripts and concepts, but some more limited information such as treatments, sketches or synopsis documents might be turned over to impartial third parties or people with political or other types of capital.”
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© Copyright 2002 by Dorsey Productions, Inc.
